ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
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[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
All excellent questions
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
worst…sale…ever
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.