Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
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Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me