yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”