Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.