*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
This has made my week.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.