She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
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My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.