JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
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Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”