[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
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[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?