me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
These are my roll models.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.