I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
something like this could probably happen to anyone
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?