ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My biological clock is wheezing.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi