My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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Is your wife single?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
sugar glider wrangler
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?