Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Writing, She Murdered.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet