Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
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For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Breaking news:
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome