Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
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My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
me hooking up with my ex
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before