:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*bites zombie*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Monday Lisa
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.