Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
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[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.