People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
You Might Also Like
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count