nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job