Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
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broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade