[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
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[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Oh boy, $150,000!
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone