Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.