My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My dad is at it again
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
as is their right