Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
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Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
How I like cutting carbs
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now