Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
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i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.