[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
*me flirting
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant