BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
You Might Also Like
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
At an art museum and I thought this was art
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.