baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.