[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
You Might Also Like
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER