*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Those are good neighbors.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)