Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM