According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
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I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Facebook Twitter
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.