which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.