If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica