I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
This one’s “Alex”.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no