‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Steam Forums
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
a public service announcement
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master