Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
bro what is going on at twitter
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.