YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred