a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Oh yeh? Explain this then
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.