More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
You Might Also Like
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!