It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
President The Rock Obama
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me