that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.