Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Just grow your own
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass