Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
You Might Also Like
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
That’s easy for you to say
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
This took me a second..
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha