I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess