*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
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Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
lol
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
SCARY COSTUME