Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.