Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
a god among men
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.