This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
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Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.