I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench